I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
