Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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