so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Can i not drive my cunt home
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
