How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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