Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
