the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
