Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
