i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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