Don't make out with my wife yet
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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