Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
