i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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