Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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