He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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