Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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