There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
