I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
