Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
