I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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