dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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