The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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