mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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