That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
