I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
