Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
