Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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