Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
