he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
