Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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