I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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