my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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