He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
