Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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