he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just invented taco cereal.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
