life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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