my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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