Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
