The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
