The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
