smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
