Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
