Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
