The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
