it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
