when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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