He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
