so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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