Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
