went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
