and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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