You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
